Wednesday 13 July 2016

How Labour can stop being shit

Not being a Labourist, I don't really know what makes them tick. What I do know though is that we need an effective opposition now more than ever. While Labourists are ripping holes in each other they have left the goalposts wide open for the Tory right to shape Brexit any way they like.

That means people who think quite a lot like me circa 2012 are actually in charge of the country. That should send a chill down your spine. People who would pull at levers not knowing what they do just to see what happens under the nihilistic assumption that it can't make things worse. A deeply wrong assumption.

So if you are a Labourist, you need to bring your civil war to the most rapid conclusion possible. If you can't do that you need to tune out of it and ignore the bickering over Iraq too. We can't afford for politics to be raking over old ground when we have the future to shape and a rapid deadline just ahead.

Brexit could quite easily fuck the UK if mishandled and a Brexit solution that does not involve the single market next to guarantees we lose Scotland. And in a way I would not blame the SNP in that a non EEA solution basically says "Fuck you Scotland". And while I dislike the chippy and austere Scots mentality, Scotland deserves to be listened to if we value the union.

This is not a time to be caught up in distracts and for gods sake, find somebody more credible than Angela Eagle. I mean for fucks sake, is that really the best you can do? And Owen Smith looks and sounds like a junior project manager. Just don't go there. Why not press Rachel Reeves into service? She's a hard-nosed bitch who asks some halfway intelligent questions. I also dislike her intensely which is probably why she's a good idea for the left. And don't get any ideas about that twat Dan Jarvis. He's too dreary for words.

Also, get some ideas while you're in the business of reform. Localisation and remunicipalisation of energy generation is actually a sensible alternative and it's market driven socialism which puts things back to how they were before they were nationalised. Nobody is going to disapprove of real local democracy either. It's radical and yet at the same time is anodyne and doesn't involve hating jews. Also, giving less of a fuck about Palestinians and more about Northerners might do you some good. I know that would be hard for you but give it a try. We're an oppressed minority too.

And instead of all this blether about reopening mines how about examining some of the benefits that our own post-Brexit trade policy could do. Y'know - that stimulating jobs thing. On present trajectory you are making being left wing synonymous with being a massive douchebag. Oh and it turns out that real left wingers are not as keen on bombing people as you are. You might want to wind that in a bit. Your Blairite colleagues will need to stop making excuses for Blair too. And don't even think about shunting the working class back onto welfare either. We have only just fixed that mess.

It's too much to expect that you could become a party of government inside a decade, and giving you power would be like giving high power superglue to a bored teenager, but you could be a constructive opposition in just under two years if you could stop hating each other. You might have to get your head round the fact that nobody cares who owns the NHS so long as it is free and nobody really gives a toss who owns the trains either so long as they turn up on time and you don't need to remortgage to get a season ticket. You'll just have to wake up to the fact that socialism is dead and nobody wants it. Especially not the people who actually have it.

There are lots of left wing things you can do without driving the country to bankruptcy or being dicks to everyone who doesn't think like you. It just means you will have to learn a few things about making relevant policy and come up with some ideas that aren't based on 1970's politics and won't be laughed at by serious people. Also hating Jews is still inexcusable even if you need the local Islamist vote to rig a council by-election. In fact you should probably pack that in completely.

Have a look at the Chartists and people in your history who achieved things and weren't complete shitheads. Stop sneering at working class people with ordinary views and stop being determined to call everybody racists just for expressing the view that certain immigrant communities should stop treating women like property. Y'see, that's actually a left wing view as I understand it. Unless times have changed? I can't keep up with it all now that left wing is now defined by how hard you emote about something pointless.

I know it's a big ask but it can be done. Otherwise just pack up and let someone else fill that void you are needlessly occupying. If you have nothing of use to say, please just go away. We don't need you just to loathe the Tories. We have the SNP for that. And they are better at it. You need a new angle. Being hypocritical misogynist Trotskyite shit-heads is passé and that's why you lose elections. And don't try to be New Labour. It was a shit idea and it's one of the reasons we're leaving the EU. Ordinary voters don't want what Blair wanted for Britain - and you can't blame them for that can you?

Bottom line: shape up and stop being a bunch of knuckle-scraping losers. You're starting to make Ukip look credible. Yes, that's how utterly fucked your party is. Let that sink in.

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